This will be my tenth EGD, and they are so routine for me that I didn't think it would be a big deal, but for some reason, this time it has been.  The stakes are higher because what we're searching for a condition that could require me to undergo a surgery that I really don't want to have to have.

I left the appt. very upset, worried about what all of this meant.  But at the same time, my gut and the Spirit told me that this procedure was necessary to gaining answers as to what is wrong and guiding us in how to resolve it.  I was really worried about what the results of the procedure would be and what they would mean for me, instead of having the scope in general.  My eyes started leaking on I-15 on the way home and the dam burst as I pulled into my driveway. I thought, Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to have one more thing pop up to add to the long list of problems by body has? Why am I so upset when I've had this done so many times? Why am I feeling so anxious if I also feel this is the right thing to do?  What should I do?

I don't ask the "Why?" question much anymore, because I have learned over the last 12 years of chronic health problems that these challenges serve a purpose.  But on this day when I felt like I just couldn't cope, this scripture quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks came to mind:

"Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden. 'Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden,' the Savior said, 'and I will give you rest...unto your souls."

("He Heals the Heavy Laden", Ensign November 2006)


The full scripture he quoted above is in Matthew 11: 28-30:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest to your souls.

"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

To read more about this scripture and what it means, please follow this link: http://www.findingamazinggrace.blogspot.com/2012/04/as-much-as-you-trust.html

It reassured me of what I have been promised time and time again, that the Lord will, to some extent, deliver me from these trials, but for those that stay in this life, I will find rest from them in the next one.  So I allowed myself to cry because, well, this is all scary stuff, but I stopped asking the "Why?" question because I reminded myself that Heavenly Father will make a way of strength and deliverance when there seems to be now way in sight.  I just have to trust in Him. That seems so hard, but the more and more practice you have doing it, the easier it gets.  Twelve years of practice has changed my life, because it has changed me. I would not be who I am today if I had passed through these challenges, some of which have sunk me into a pit of complete and utter despair. But the Savior has lifted me out of that pit and up to higher ground, ground that only He can bring us to.
I know that no matter what, My Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ are with me every aching, tiring, long step of the way, helping me carry the burden. So I'll have my scope, going forward with faith that all will work out in the way He makes, even if that means more surgery for me.  He has shown me time and time again that I can handle it and that He will help me through. May we each let go of the Whys so we can see the Ways the Lord is preparing for us.